How do we get approval to wipe our own ass in the US?

I believe the US may be having a contest between the Biden Administration and the Republican Party as to whom can pass the most legislation limiting American freedoms. Our government keeps piling law upon law upon regulation upon mandate upon bullying tactics. We haven’t been a free country for decades. One thing in which I fully agreed with Trump, was his belief in eliminating two laws for every one we pass. The power struggle between the Democrats and Republicans to legislate their own ideologies is completely ridiculous. Both sides are passing more and more restrictive laws in order to stop the impending apocalypse they believe the other is bringing. Our country becomes less livable for everyone by the second.

So, can we still wipe our own ass or not? Do we need to get a city, state, and federal permit? What color and material can the toilet paper be? How many ply? Do we need a witness? I’m not even sure at this point which restroom I am allowed to use. What if I choose the wrong one? Is that now a hate crime? I am pretty sure, but not positive, that I can use my own toilet inside my own house. Is white toilet paper racist? I don’t think dyed toilet paper is climate change approved. What if I read an article supporting black rights while sitting on the toilet (after all permits have been obtained and the toilet paper has been approved)? Will that be considered race baiting? Can I talk about racism at all without being accused of race baiting? Is this topic covered in Critical Race Theory? Can I read CRT while I am on the toilet, or did states like Oklahoma make that illegal as well? Can I drink a coke while on the toilet? What about watching a sporting event on my phone? I need to know which teams I am still allowed to watch as well as the players. I’ve already ruled out watching cartoons because most of them have been cancelled by the politically correct police. I am unsure about a few of the cartoons that are still on the internet. Is it ok to watch them? Can I still call Planned Parenthood to make an appointment for contraceptives while sitting on the toilet? Am I going to hell for doing that too?

I think the entire process may be giving me irritable bowel syndrome. At the very least it’s caused me to have gas. At least when it’s over, I feel emotionally confident enough to flush my low flow environmentally friendly toilet. Now I have to tackle the drama of washing my hands. Which soap? Do I use soap or should I use hand sanitizer? …

Crap, I forgot to wear my mask while I was alone in my own house in my own bathroom with the door closed. I think the mask police are outside.