If approached and questioned by members of the left wing deprogramming gestapo squad, here are a few guidelines to ensure your escape.
- When shown a picture of the BLM or ANTIFA burning, vandalizing, or otherwise destroying buildings, look glassy eyed and in love while replying “I’m so glad young people are getting outside during a pandemic. It’s so important for mental health to get fresh air and exercise.”
- When shown a picture of any gathering of Trump supporters in numbers higher than one, start crying in panic and hide under the nearest piece of furniture. If outside, hide under the nearest car or in shrubbery.
- When shown a picture of a straight white male, start screaming hysterically about white supremacy groups. Hide under the nearest piece of furniture. If outside, hide under the nearest car or in shrubbery.
- When shown a picture of a cow, start crying in panic about the imminent end of our planet due to global warming.
- When shown a picture of an orange, start crying and explain how it reminds you of Trump and you can no longer eat oranges. Your health has been compromised and you are scared to leave your house or go to the market in case you see an orange and have a panic attack. Faint.
- If you see someone without a mask or social distancing within the gestapo, it is a test. Immediately get hysterical and physically attack them getting your face and breath as close to theirs as you can without actually French kissing them. French kissing someone against their will is considered sexual assault. Provide them with an explanation as to why you didn’t French kiss the gestapo.
- When shown a picture of anyone but a straight white male, refer to them using pronouns that do not refer to gender. Address members of the gestapo as gestapo and then a number. Example: Gestapo 7, I am so glad you are out here making our streets safe from Trump supporters. I hate police. They are racist homicidal maniacs.
- If stopped while driving a pickup, explain that it is not yours. You stole it from some white guy and you are planning to drive it to a safe place where you intend to light it on fire in order to save our planet. Explain you only ride a bicycle or public transportation. Your dream is to someday own an electric car.
- If offered any type of food or drink, follow these guidelines. Steak or any type of red meat-ask if it’s lab grown as you do not eat flesh and cows are destroying the planet. Chicken or eggs- are they free range and organic? Water-you only drink filtered and bottled. Vegetables-only organic. Fish-this one can be tricky, sustainable fish from nontoxic waters are usually considered to be ok.
- When asked what news channel you watch, of course you only watch CNN because they are always 100 percent truthful and factual in their nonbiased reporting.
- When asked how many genders exist, reply an infinite number as we are experiencing personal growth and enlightenment everyday of our lives.
- When asked about race, you don’t see skin color at all, except for the white male chauvinist Trump supporters and the orange man.
- If asked your religious views, tell them you either worship Satan or you are an atheist or a Muslim. No other answer is acceptable.
- If asked your view on abortion, explain it’s fine until age five.
- If asked about public education, explain everyone should get a trophy and only black and women’s history should even be taught. Except maybe Native American because white men killed them and stole their land.
- When asked about communist dictators, Marxists, and socialism, make sure your face lights up with joy and admiration. Explain how you love how governments put their people’s needs first and everyone is exactly the same.
- If asked about guns, immediately get panicked and hide under the nearest piece of furniture while screaming hysterically “omg omg someone has a gun”. If you are outside, hiding under a car or in the shrubbery is fine as long as you are screaming hysterically.
- If asked your opinion on censorship, start crying hysterically about how Trump supporters have personally attacked you for four years, they should be jailed, fired from their jobs, and deleted from the entire internet.
Following these simple tips should allow you to escape. If not, get hysterical and claim you have been outside too long, are being exposed to Covid-19, and you need your Xanax to calm your nerves as there are Trump supporters still running free on the streets.