Horror Movie Lover’s Guide to Elf on the Shelf

25 Days of Death and Torture for the Little Bastard Christmas Elf…….

December:

  • 1st. Elf crawls into plastic storage container after kids unpack ornaments for the tree. Elf suffocates and dies.
  • 2nd. Elf found hung by garland wrapping the tree.
  • 3rd. Elf found dead of botulism from eating last year’s popcorn off of the popcorn garland on the tree.
  • 4th. Cats found mysteriously sitting on top of toppled over tree. Elf’s feet were seen sticking out from underneath the tree stump.
  • 5th. Elf run over by electric train underneath Christmas tree.
  • 6th. Elf’s eye poked out by ornament.
  • 7th. Elf mauled by the family’s golden retriever.
  • 8th. Elf stabbed by glass Christmas icicle.
  • 9th. Cat pushes Elf from treetop. Elf falls to his death.

After several days of resurrection, the elf will no longer go near the tree.

  • 10th. Barbie clawed her way out of her Christmas wrapping and chased Elf through the house. Elf found dead with a high heel shoe sticking out of his skull.
  • 11th. Elf found dead and buried in the kitty litter box. The cat doesn’t know what happened.
  • 12th. Elf found burned in fireplace.
  • 13th. Child accidentally melted Elf inside of his smore.
  • 14th. Child flushed Elf down the toilet. Elf’s dead body retrieved using plunger after the bathroom floor flooded.
  • 15th. Elf baked inside Christmas cookies.
  • 16th. Elf found dead inside gingerbread house. Suspected suicide.
  • 17th. Elf got drunk, fell into margarita machine, and froze or drowned. Autopsy pending.
  • 18th. Elf died of Covid-19.
  • 19th. Elf’s head chopped off by trash can lid at the curb.
  • 20th. Elf run over in driveway while trying to escape the house.
  • 21st. Elf dies of hypothermia after slipping on ice on front porch steps.
  • 22nd. Frosty stabs Elf to death with his nose in the yard.
  • 23rd. Elf slips off rooftop while waiting for Santa and dies.
  • 24th. Santa steps on and smashes Elf.
  • 25th. Elf mistakenly thrown into garbage disposal during Christmas dinner preparation.

May Elf on the Shelf rest in peace and never be resurrected again. Enjoy your holiday season!

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