25 Days of Death and Torture for the Little Bastard Christmas Elf…….
December:
- 1st. Elf crawls into plastic storage container after kids unpack ornaments for the tree. Elf suffocates and dies.
- 2nd. Elf found hung by garland wrapping the tree.
- 3rd. Elf found dead of botulism from eating last year’s popcorn off of the popcorn garland on the tree.
- 4th. Cats found mysteriously sitting on top of toppled over tree. Elf’s feet were seen sticking out from underneath the tree stump.
- 5th. Elf run over by electric train underneath Christmas tree.
- 6th. Elf’s eye poked out by ornament.
- 7th. Elf mauled by the family’s golden retriever.
- 8th. Elf stabbed by glass Christmas icicle.
- 9th. Cat pushes Elf from treetop. Elf falls to his death.
After several days of resurrection, the elf will no longer go near the tree.
- 10th. Barbie clawed her way out of her Christmas wrapping and chased Elf through the house. Elf found dead with a high heel shoe sticking out of his skull.
- 11th. Elf found dead and buried in the kitty litter box. The cat doesn’t know what happened.
- 12th. Elf found burned in fireplace.
- 13th. Child accidentally melted Elf inside of his smore.
- 14th. Child flushed Elf down the toilet. Elf’s dead body retrieved using plunger after the bathroom floor flooded.
- 15th. Elf baked inside Christmas cookies.
- 16th. Elf found dead inside gingerbread house. Suspected suicide.
- 17th. Elf got drunk, fell into margarita machine, and froze or drowned. Autopsy pending.
- 18th. Elf died of Covid-19.
- 19th. Elf’s head chopped off by trash can lid at the curb.
- 20th. Elf run over in driveway while trying to escape the house.
- 21st. Elf dies of hypothermia after slipping on ice on front porch steps.
- 22nd. Frosty stabs Elf to death with his nose in the yard.
- 23rd. Elf slips off rooftop while waiting for Santa and dies.
- 24th. Santa steps on and smashes Elf.
- 25th. Elf mistakenly thrown into garbage disposal during Christmas dinner preparation.
May Elf on the Shelf rest in peace and never be resurrected again. Enjoy your holiday season!
Middle of the Muddy Road 