I love animals. They’re better friends than people. At least we think they are, but what if they could secretly talk and had Facebook?
Cats would be snarky.
Mimi would be in heat with sexy pictures on her page and lewd suggestions. Her address would be on every post with directions to her backyard for hookups. She would be snapchatting nudes to every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Bubbles and her block of strays would be posting pictures of trashcans, dumpsters, and food bowls on people’s front porches. They would be judging humans. Who leaves them food. Who has tuna. Who eats that slop. Who has trashcans that can be tipped over. Who has the best dumpster with mice and restaurant food. Who just got a mean dog. What Tom was last seen over in Mimi’s backyard. Whose yard has birdfeeders with birds and squirrels.
Fluffy and her elite circle of indoor only pampered friends would be plotting and scheming. How to get rid of the dog. How to get rid of the child. How to convince your human you can only eat tuna. How to convince your human the window sill, the most comfortable chair in the house, all food, and every item of clothing and blankets or towels are theirs. How to convince the human that all doors must remain open. How and when to urinate or defecate on a favorite human item to show anger, irritation, or just for fun. Who has the best human and the fanciest house. Who has a fireplace.
Birds would be mean.
Pigeons would be sending each other pictures of ledges over doorways and windows. Who pooped on the most people in one day. Who has the best ledge. Where they got the human with the poop. More points would be assigned to making a human change their clothes or wash their hair. Yes, they keep score. The winner gets the ledge with the most human traffic underneath. That’s how pigeons decide where to live.
Songbirds would just record and post songs to each other. They compete over who has the best chirp. They would be on twitter tweeting.
Parrots would post dirty jokes and talk like sailors.
Vultures would post pictures of the best locations for roadkill.
Dogs would vary according to breed.
Pit Bulls would post how to convince your human you are sweet so you can bite the neighbor and claim your innocence. When, who, what, and where to be sweet or vicious. How to convince everyone you are vicious if you are not. How to scare stupid humans. Who has the strongest bite.
Collies and spaniels would post pictures chasing everything that moves. What is better to chase, a car or a bicycle. How to bite tires and not get runover. How to chase a car down the road for miles then find your way home.
Pointers would post pictures of themselves pointing at various objects. Who has the best pose and point is all that matters.
Terriers would post videos of themselves talking relentlessly and jumping up and down. Terriers would make YouTube videos.
Monkeys would post memes.
Facebook would remain the same.