Worst pickup lines ever used on me.

Men, I love ya. I know you’re trying. But, wow, some of you need some help. I’ve had more than one long-term relationship in my lifetime. By long-term, I mean exclusive longer than a year and overall good. I didn’t however, have a child until I had just turned 41. I’ve spent a lot of time over the years in bars and clubs. They’re fun. I still like to go. Here is some help for those who of you who are fumbling or new to the bar scene because you are young or just got divorced.

Worst lines I’ve ever received:

You were a cheerleader weren’t you?  Then argue with me when I tell you no.

Are you here with friends?  My friends want to know.  No, I am not hooking up you and your friends for an afterhours sex party.  Try talking just to me. Try being a man and separating from your friends. 

You are hotter than the last girl I talked too.  Clearly, she shot you down.  Maybe you should try less hot?

I have always wanted to have sex with an older woman.  I prefer women who know what they are doing.  Can you teach me new things?  This was from a hot Russian guy in a bar on New Year’s Eve a few years back. He was from Russia and spoke Russian. It almost worked. I ended up spending most of the evening talking and drinking with him.  He was fun. He told me about Russia.  He was interesting. But, no. I actually prefer men who know what they are doing.  The line itself was awful but he redeemed himself.

Approaching and then telling the bartender “I’ll have whatever she is having.”  How about buying me one of what I am having and continue drinking whatever you are having? 

I haven’t seen you here before.  Why are you here?  Umm, ok.  Not even sure how to reply to that one.  The first thought in my head is the 4H Motto of “to make the best better”. 

You are better looking than the friend you are with.  Thank you for telling me that you’re an asshole upfront.

Your body is hot.  You haven’t ever had kids have you?  This guy should have stuck with porn at home.

Can I slap your ass?  Not joking on this one and I’ve had more than one guy ask me that straight out of the gate.  It does usually make me laugh.  They never laugh when I answer with only if you want punched in the face.  That is always my answer.  It is a definite conversation starter or ender depending on your response to my face punch answer. 

Pickup lines that work:

What are you having and buy me a drink.

Ask the bartender what I am having and send me a drink

Say Hi, I am ……. what is your name?

Do you want to dance, play pool, or whatever else is happening in the bar or club?

I’ve never seen you here before. Are you from here? Or any other question geared towards getting to know me.

Basically, anything that shows you are interested in the PERSON you are trying the line on will work if she is attracted at all. I will add, if you want nothing but sex, you might just be blunt about it. That does work if that’s all she is looking for at this particular time. Then you can establish the rules. It depends on the club or bar you are in whether or not to go there. That’s definitely an experienced male line and has to be delivered correctly to the correct woman or it might get your face slapped or a drink thrown on you.

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